liana:

The Premise: While doing a little last minute shopping, I suddenly realize I have a pair of underwear carried by the store I’m in balled up in my purse.

Charlie Kaufman:

INT. DEPARTMENT STORE - DAY

Liana stands paralyzed in the corner.  She looks around as dozens of people go about their business.

Liana (V.O.): Can all these people tell I have underwear in my bag?  I bet they can.  I bet they all look at me and think what a pathetic sad sack.  What a cliché. I wonder if I’m a kleptomaniac.  Maybe there’s something wrong with my brain that’s making me steal and it’s going to get worse and worse until I die. I didn’t really steal the underwear, but that woman in the red dress thinks I did, so I might as well have.  Is there a word for that?  I should write a script about this.  Okay.  We open in an underwear store – no, a department store that sells underwear.  In the underwear section of a department store.  We open…

Liana walks up to the counter and pulls out the UNDERWEAR, an oversized white pair.  She pays for them all over again.

Zach Braff:

INT. DEPARTMENT STORE – DAY

Liana spots a cute, quirky SALESMAN.  She walks over to him.  The store fades away from her in slow-motion.  The man is backlit.  His name tag says CHET.

Liana: Hi.

Chet: Hi.

Liana: There’s something I have to say to you, and you can decide to listen, or call me crazy, or throw me out.  That’s on you.  But this is one of those moments.  Or at least I think it is.  There’s a pair of underwear in my bag that I did not steal.  I just need you to know that.

Chet: I do know it.  I know you didn’t steal the underwear.

Liana: Really?

Chet (nodding): It’s the only thing I’ve ever been sure of ever.

Liana: Chet.  Do you want to go to an underwear party with me?

Liana steps shyly into the PAISLEY-PRINT BOY SHORTS.  She stands, naked save for the undies, against the wall of all the other same-patterned intimates.

Wes Anderson:

INT. DEPARTMENT STORE – DAY

A precocious child in a SECURITY GUARD’S uniform points at Liana.

Security Guard: Stop that girl!

Liana takes off running. Whimsical guitar music plays.  She darts down the UP ESCALATOR.  She hops on a brightly colored CAROUSEL.  The security guard is right behind her.  Liana pulls herself underneath the carousel as it spins around.  The security guard follows.  Liana takes a FAKE MOUSTACHE from her pocket.  She puts it on and the security guard, fooled, pops his head back up.

Liana pulls herself out from under the carousel and runs through the mall.  In front of her, a hundred dominoes form a circle.  Liana trips over the first one and they all tumble over, setting off an ALARM.  Ten more CHILDREN in security guard uniforms run out.  They tackle Liana.

Liana: Unhand me!

The tiny security guard grabs Liana’s bag and pulls out a pair of LONG UNDERWEAR: knit and embroidered with a family crest.  He handcuffs her as she kick and shouts.

Miranda July:

INT. DEPARTMENT STORE - DAY

Liana opens her bag and stares at a pair of plain white UNDERWEAR she’s painted all over. A SALESMAN walks up.  He peers into her bag.

Salesman (whispering): I see your underwear.

Liana: They’re not my underwear.  I stole them.

Salesman: No you didn’t.  I saw you walk in with them in your purse.

Liana: But I could have stolen them.  I could have stolen every thing in this bag.  The cherry blossom pink lipstick, the coupon for ten free hugs, this little crocheted homing pigeon.

The Salesman pulls the underwear out of the bag.

Salesman: No.  These are your underwear.  Yours.  No one else could ever have a pair of underwear exactly just like this one.

A smile slowly creeps across Liana’s face.  She pulls the Salesman towards her.  They kiss.

P.T. Anderson:

Montage set to melancholy piano music:

INT. DEPARTMENT STORE - DAY

Liana looks around nervously as panic sets in.  She drops her bag and runs out of the store.  A YOUNG WOMAN picks it up, rifles through and thumbs a pair of FLORAL PRINT PANTIES.  The woman spots the same panties on the wall and begins to pull them down, stuffing them in her bag.  The FLOOR MANAGER walks over and the woman ducks behind a rack of sweaters.  The Floor Manager looks around.  He lifts a pair of fallen panties from the floor.  He stares at them longingly.

Liana, still running, speeds down a major street in the San Fernando Valley.

The floor manager is inside the dressing room, trying on the women’s panties.  He looks at himself in the mirror, sucking in his stomach.

The young woman leaves the store, suddenly exuberant over her heist.  She pulls the bounty of panties out of her bag and throws them into the air.  They catch a gust of wind.  They rain down across the city, falling on Liana as she speeds through the valley.